In A Galaxy Not So Far Away: The Episode Menace.

When Star Wars: Phantom Menace movie trailer began showing; we assembled to do a Star Wars themed “Special Episode” of Neverending Nights. Unfortunately, we never got the time to pull it together and record the lines before the movie actually came out. (I won’t even get started about Phantom Menace…) At any rate, with the series now completed – there’s a few things I have had locked up that I am now willing to share. This is one of them – the episode that would have been released the same day Phantom Menace was, had we got our stuff together…

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NEVERENDING NIGHTS: SIDE QUEST: “IT’S THE DARK SIDE…”

 

(Fade In)

 

GARIFF

… and if you don’t know she’s your sister, does it count?

 

KABEWSE

Well, she did kiss HIM first, so…

 

ALAN THE ASTOUNDING

Okay! Okay! Now you have to say: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained.

 

POPPY THE SALT VENDOR

What? Look, I’m just here to sell salt…

 

ALAN THE ASTOUNDING

Just say it!

 

POPPY THE SALT VENDOR

Um, okay. Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained.

 

ALAN THE ASTOUNDING

Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Alan the Astounding! (Alan the Astounding passes out right after saying that)

 

POPPY THE SALT VENDOR

Er… Okay. (Clears throat) Salt! Salt for sale! Your salt needs are my concern! Have some popcorn with your salt! Salt… salt for sale!

 

AMIEE THE ARMORER

Get your fan ware here! Shirts, pants, hats, masks! Get your Darth Vader armor here! Get your C3P0 armor! Nice and golden! Get your wookie fur here! All at the fraction of a price!

 

(Grayson and Peter walk up at the end of the massive line)

 

GRAYSON

Well, we’re here… but you know what I can’t believe? We were lost in the woods for two days! Two friggin’ days!

 

 

 

PETER

Was it two days? It certainly didn’t feel like two days. But I got us here didn’t I?

 

GRAYSON

No Peter. No, you didn’t. We took a coach to get here.

 

PETER

Well I found the coach, didn’t I?

 

GRAYSON

Okay. “Found” and “got run over by” are two very different things. When you’re standing in the middle of the road saying you found some unusual “snake” tracks – tracks that were actually to the coach – then, yes, I suppose you did find it. Just seconds before it nearly ran you over.

 

PETER

I kick rocks.

 

GRAYSON

Sometimes Peter, I wonder why I didn’t push you in front of the coach. Whatever the case may be, Mr. I Kick Rocks, you cost us the front of the line seats.

 

PETER

It should be fine. We’ll have great seats. Did you get the tickets?

 

GRAYSON

Did I what? You had the tickets!

 

PETER

I did? Really?

 

GRAYSON

Seriously – do you have attention deficit disorder? (PETER: What’s attention deficit disorder?) My coin purse got torn while I was pulling you from under the coach and I gave you the tickets to hold onto. Don’t you remember that?

 

PETER

You know what. I am remembering that. Come to think of it, those did resemble our movie tickets, didn’t they?

 

GRAYSON

They resembled? What do you mean they resembled our movie tickets?

 

PETER

Well, I kinda thought… well, since we were taking the coach that they might be… uh, coach tickets.

 

(Long pause)

 

GRAYSON

Coach tickets?! So we paid them 10 gold and bought tickets to ride their coach? Does that even make any sense to you?

 

PETER

No, I suppose it doesn’t. I wonder why we had to pay them 10 gold on top of having our coach tickets?

 

GRAYSON

For the love of Sacul! Peter those were not coach tickets you gave them! Those were our movie tickets!

 

PETER

Oh! I see what you’re saying now. I gave them our movie tickets…

 

GRAYSON

Well… great. Now what?

 

PETER

We could go buy some more I guess?

 

GRAYSON

Yeah, I am sure the most anticipated movie since Episode 2 has plenty of seats left. Good plan there, Peter. You know what – wait – I have an idea. How much gold do we have?

 

PETER

Like… 3 gold or so? Maybe some silver. Lots of copper. I haven’t really counted up the copper, because no one ever seems to use –

 

GRAYSON

(Cuts Peter off) 3 gold. Got it.  Follow me. (Short Pause) And just… don’t talk.

 

(Grayson and Peter walk down the line to the goblins)

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

Tickets! Get your tickets here!

 

CHARLIE THE GOBLIN

Best seats in the house!

 

GRAYSON

Hey, so you’re selling tickets?

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

Yeah. Got tickets right here.

 

ALBERT THE GOBLIN

No checks or credit cards accepted!

 

GRAYSON

What? Seriously – okay, how much are tickets?

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

10 gold each. No bartering or haggling.

 

GRAYSON

10 gold each?! Are you insane? I can get them tomorrow for like 3 silver!

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

Yeah, but by tomorrow spoilers will be all over. It will be impossible not getting it spoiled for you. No matter where you look or who you talk to they will want to talk about it. Good or bad. It’s going to be everywhere. So consider this a small fee to save yourself from being spoiled. Besides, they’re the best seats in the house!

 

GRAYSON

Best seats in the house? It’s GENERAL ADMISSION! You know, that means you sit where you can! No assigned seating!

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

Yeah, and the way the movie seats are set up, every seat is the best seat in the house! So technically we’re not lying!

 

GRAYSON

Forget it. Come on Peter, we will find another way.

 

 (Cut back to Grayson and Peter)

 

PETER

Well that didn’t work out.

 

 

 

GRAYSON

Thanks for the news flash. I realize that, thank you very much. I’m thinking, I’m thinking…

 

PETER

Oh! Hey! There’s my uncle! Hey! Hey! Uncle! It’s me, Peter!

 

GRAYSON

Hey. Just what is your uncle’s name?

 

PETER

(Brief Pause) You know what. I actually don’t know.

 

GRAYSON

You don’t know your uncle’s name?

 

PETER

Shhh. Here he comes.

 

PETER’S UNCLE

Hey you two! I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it – no one had heard from you in two days!

 

PETER

Yeah. We, uh, took the scenic route.

 

GRAYSON

You got us freakin’ lost.

 

PETER’S UNCLE

I see. So you two going to catch Episode III?

 

GRAYSON

We were going to, until one of us gave the tickets away on accident.

 

PETER

They looked like coach tickets to me!

 

GRAYSON

Really? Coach tickets that said MagicPlex 3000 in big gold letters on the front of them?

 

PETER’S UNCLE

Good ol’ Peter. Sharp as a spoon sometimes. Well I don’t want you two to miss it. Especially now that you look like heroes in your new flashy armor. (Uncle walks off)

 

PETER

I wonder what he’s doing over there.

 

GRAYSON

(Sarcastic) Maybe he’s going to dance with them…

 

PETER

Oh! You think so?

 

PETER’S UNCLE

Peter, come over here.

 

(Peter walks up to his uncle then walks back over to Grayson)

 

PETER

Whoa! He bought us tickets!

 

GRAYSON

That kicks ro-(pronounced “raw” – short for “rocks” Cuts himself off before saying the phrase). That’s very cool of him.

 

PETER

You almost said it!

 

GRAYSON

I did not. Hey wait. The stub on mine is torn!

 

PETER

What? Uncle! This ticket has a torn stub!

 

PETER’S UNCLE

(To the goblins) Hey, what are you trying to pull on us?

 

BOB THE GOBLIN

What? Fine, fine… here.

 

PETER’S UNCLE

Okay, here’s another ticket. You two have fun and good luck with the rest of your quest to become ‘heroes.’

 

GRAYSON

Thanks! Once we get our 20k each, we will pay you back!

 

PETER

All right, now that we have tickets we can stand in line!

 

GRAYSON

Sweet, this movie is going to kick ro-… er, this movie is going to rule.

 

PETER

You almost said it again.

 

GRAYSON

Will you lay off that? You know, Pawl the Dorf is supposed to meet us in line. He should have been here by now. Where the heck is he?

 

PETER

Oh, I am sure he will be here. No way would he miss Episode III. He said he had a map with him.

 

GRAYSON

Oh no…

 

(Cut to Pawl the Dorf in front of a Porn Theater)

 

PAWL THE DORF

Yeah baby yeah! Episode 3! Whooo hooo! Episode 3! YEAH!

 

ANDREA

Hey there, big boy! Looking for a good time?

 

PAWL THE DORF

You bet I am! This going to be great!

 

ANDREA

Enthusiasm, I love that in a man.

 

PAWL THE DORF

Oh, no. I don’t have enthusiasm. That’s Grayson. Always rasping for breath.

 

ANDREA

Well… how much gold do you have?

 

PAWL THE DORF

Oh, I brought a lot of gold with me! I am going to buy a ton of toys!

 

ANDREA

Oh. So you like toys do you?

 

 

PAWL THE DORF

Oh yeah! I love toys!

 

ANDREA

Good, then follow me.

 

PAWL THE DORF

Sweet! You got a good seat?

 

ANDREA

You could say that…

 

(Post Credits)

 

PAWL THE DORF

WHOA! Those are not Death Stars!