So back in the day (we’re going all the way back to 2004, now!), Red vs Blue was (and still technically is) the definition of what machinima was all about. Back in 2004, Red vs Blue was on top of their game and on top of the world. And back then, on the forums there was a (sometimes not so) friendly debate about those who Sponsored Red vs Blue and those who were called Freeloaders by some, who wanted to get all the videos as soon as sponsors did, without paying. As such a team of folks created a machinima series to … spoof… the forum environment that had developed over this. I wasn’t a part of the machinima, but I asked to guest write an episode and introduce my character (as I was a Sponsor back then, several years in a row). The episode never saw the light of day, was never recorded, and for the life of me, I can’t remember why it was declined. (I believe some of the fellow Sponsors felt I gave my character too much spotlight in the episode – I don’t remember for sure, but I think that was it). Anyway, from 11/21/2004 – here’s what I would have donated to the Sponsors vs Freeloaders machinima series had this ever seen the light of day…
Girls show up
Zatch hits on women fail
Kat and Yorrky debate and go to find Zatch
Gates/Heidi (Female, Lesbian character)
Episode 5: “Crash This Party.”
(Pan Down Halo, onto the Sponsor Base)
KAT: So I hear that Sponsor Command is sending down another one for us?
ZATCH: I heard the same. Also heard he’s kind of… nuts.
KAT: Like you have much room to talk, Zatch.
ZATCH: What? I am not…
ZATCH: … Am I really that crazy?
KAT: Well, you drive me nuts. If that’s saying anything.
ZATCH: Oh. In a good way?
KAT: Sooooo, not in a good way.
ZATCH: So… asking you out tonight is out of the question?
KAT: Sure. We can go out tonight.
ZATCH: What? Really?!
KAT: Sure. When the sunsets tonight, we will go on our first date.
(Zatch runs off as Zimmy steps up, next to Kat)
ZIMMY: Now that was mean.
KAT: (Looks in the direction that Zatch ran off) I know.
ZIMMY: How long do you think it will be till he figures out the sun never sets in BloodGulch?
KAT: Probably a very long, long time.
SEV: (Walking up) Hey guys. What’s with Zatch? Haven’t seen him this excited since he found the Easter Eggs on the Second Season of RvB.
ZIMMY: He’s going on a date with Kat, when the sunsets.
SEV: But the sun doesn’t ever set here…
SEV: Oh. OH! Oh man. That’s just down right mean. I like it.
KAT: So what’s up Sev?
SEV: Just got word from Sponsor Command. They’re having some kind of problem getting a lock on our location. So they were going to try to beam our new sponsor member down… but they’re getting all kinds of static. So keep your eye on the teleporter. He should, with any luck, be coming through any moment now.
(Zoom across BloodGulch to the Freeloader Base)
TAWMIS: (Steps out of Teleporter) Whoa! What a ride!
FREELOADER-01: Um, who are you?
TAWMIS: Name’s Tawmis. I am a part of your new command.
FREELOADER-02: You’re a Freeloader! Sweet!
TAWMIS: Free-what? Wait a minute. You guys are all in Designated Freeloading Red Armor!
FREELOADER-03: Of course! It’s free! We’re freeloaders!
FREELOADERS: (Chant) Freeloaders! Freeloaders!
TAWMIS: (Evil Laugh, Gets Flame Thrower) Time to burn! Flame FEST! (Tawmis begins running around burning Freeloaders)
(Zoom across Bloodgulch to Sponsor Base)
SEV: (Looking through Sniper Rifle) Son of a bitch…
KAT: What’s wrong, Sev?
SEV: (Lowers Sniper Rifle) There’s… someone… at the Freeloader base… um, burning them all.
KAT: What? Who is it?
SEV: To be honest. I don’t know who it is. Never seen him before.
ZIMMY: (Looks at teleporter) Um. You don’t think he’s the new guy do you?
SEV: (Looks at teleporter) Oh fuckbeans! Zimmy! Get the Puma! We got a man completely surrounded at the Freeloader base! Rescue Mission – NOW!
(Zoom across back to Freeloader base – Tawmis is burning everyone and laughing insanely)
TAWMIS (jumps down as the Puma arrives – everyone jumps out of the Puma)
SEV: You all right man?
TAWMIS: (Much more mild tone) Huh? What? Oh. Yeah. The teleporter ride was a bit weird. Kind of made me feel… funny. But not really the kinda funny where you laugh. More like the kinda funny when the floor just suddenly gives way and you’re falling to your death, and your stomach is up in your throat, and you’re trying to scream but can’t. You know what I mean?
(Pause on SEV, KAT, and ZIMMY)
SEV: Man, I don’t even have a fucking clue what you just said.
KAT: Right. Let’s just get the f’ outta here.
(Fade In, Pan Up Sponsor Base)
TAWMIS: Mmm, yeah?
ZATCH: Do you ever wonder –
TAWMIS (Cuts off Zatch): No! NO! No I don’t ever wonder why the frick we’re here! No I never wonder if it’s some act of God! Or some greater friggin’ scheme! I don’t wonder how or why we’re fighting over a box canyon for which there is no real way in or out of! I don’t wonder if…
ZATCH: I was going to ask if you ever wonder why Freeloaders just don’t sponsor? Especially since this time it’s just 10 bucks.
TAWMIS: Oh. Right. My bad. Sorry about that.
ZATCH: You really are friggin’ nuts, aren’t you?
TAWMIS: Yeah. It’s weird. Sometimes… this weird feeling comes over me and… and I get all… angry inside!
ZATCH: How about this? Why don’t you go in the base and um, go rest? You know with the others. I will keep guard out here alone.
TAWMIS: But Sev said you’re not to be trusted out here alone, and that you couldn’t even keep watch if – oh. Wait. He said not to say those things to you. (Pause) Yeah. Think I am gonna go get some rest.
(Jumps down the top portion of the base, Zatch at the top alone)
(Zatch whistles to himself)
ZATCH: Ya know. Those guys don’t even trust me to keep watch out here. They even respect the noob Sponsor we just got. Sure he’s served for 1.5 years already, but he’s a noob at this station!
(Another version of Zatch runs up)
ZATCH2: What are you doing?
ZATCH: Huh? Oh. Just talking to myself.
ZATCH2: So you’re still doing that.
ZATCH2: I’m you. You’re talking to you. You’re me. I’m you.
(Cut to Pelican crashing/landing into Bloodgulch, then cut back to Zatch, alone)
ZATCH: Did you see that? Hey! Where’d you go?
(Zatch watches it land)
ZATCH: I am gonna prove to these guys I know what I am doing! I am going to go check out just who – or what! – is in that ship!
(Zoom to Females coming out of the ship)
PIXIE: Where are we?
SHADYLADY: Not sure, but the censors are going crazy. All kinds of males registering. On both sides of us.
HEIDI: (Steps off ship, Tex type intro music for a second?) Are there any females?
INVADERRIZ: I am picking some up over here. (Faces Sponsor base)
SHADYLADY: Completely devoid of any intelligent life over here. (Faces the Freeloader Base)
HEIDI: So that means the women are probably being held hostage by the men! We have to free’em ladies! Let’s go set up camp over here.
(Ladies go off to the side and crouch down)
(Zatch arrives at the ship, doesn’t see the ladies and goes inside. Looks around, presses a button, which is the Activate Self Destruct. Realizing what he’s done, he bolts outside as the ship explodes. He faces the fire and whistles, turns around and faces all the women pointing guns at him)
(Zoom back to the Sponsor base)
(Everyone crouching stands up at the same time)
SEV: Son of a -! What the hell was that?
YAKSHA: No idea! Sounded bad! (Whispers) There’s my one obligatory line!
LAIRD: Hey, Psimatrix, go up top. Make sure Zatch and the new guy, Tawmis, are still up there.
(Psimatrix exits, then moments later jumps back down)
PSIMATRIX: They’re both gone!
(Kat and Yorkky run in)
YORKKY: What the hell was that?
SEV: Don’t worry ladies, we will protect you!
KAT: Protect us? Hello? We’re wearing the same armor!
YORKKY: And we have the same weapons!
LAIRD: Yes, but we’re men! We do everything better!
KAT: WHAT? What the hell has gotten into you guys? You guys sound like Zatch! Speaking of (looks around) Where is he?
PSIMATRIX: He’s gone. So is the other guy. Too Miss, or whatever his name is?
KAT: Tawmis. His name is Tawmis.
PSIMATRIX: Yeah, whatever. That guy.
YORKKY: Why do I have a feeling I know whose behind this explosion outside?
SEV: Okay, this might be some form of attack. We need to figure out a plan and keep the ladies safe.
(Guys continue to talk about a plan that excludes the women for their safety, but at a low volume)
YORKKY: (Whispering to Kat) Do you hear them?
KAT: Loud and clear. I have a feeling Zatch is behind this.
YORKKY: Do you think we should go find him?
KAT: As much as I hate to, yeah. If for no other reason that just to get away from these cockbites who have this sudden need to ‘protect’ us.
(Kat and Yorkky exit)
(Zoom to Pretty Mean Sistas group)
PIXIE: Found him. (Pixie behind Zatch with her gun drawn)
HEIDI: A male spy. I should have known. They sent you here to destroy our ship.
ZATCH: What? No one sent me.
HEIDI: Don’t lie. Oh. But you’re male. All you know how to do is lie.
ZATCH: Isn’t that a bit… hardcore?
HEIDI: You will talk when I tell you too! Get the chains! Keep him tied and bound!
ZATCH: Oh! Roleplaying. Got it. (Feigned voice) Oh no! Whatever shall I do?
HEIDI: You will beg for mercy by the time this is over.
(Zoom just beyond there, to Kat and Yorkky looking on)
KAT: Told you Zatch would be involved in this mess somehow.
YORKKY: Yeah. Yeah, you did. But… where’s the new guy at?
(Zoom to ridge, with Tawmis looking through sniper rifle, looking at PMS)
TAWMIS: They found me! But they will never take me alive! (Laughs evil)
(Zoom back to Kat and Yorkky)
KAT: No idea where the new guy is. Should we even try to save Zatch?
YORKKY: Well we should try to find out what happened. Who cares what happens to Zatch.
(Kat and Yorkky approach, Heidi turns around)
HEIDI: (Again possible Tex type music) Hello Ladies, glad you could join us.